DHALL-Over winter break, the administration moved the drink station from the back left corner of the Dining Hall to the front. At first greeted with surprise and a mixture of awe and indifference, the new positioning of furniture has proved hazardous to the student body, with students walking into and out of this space finding themselves blindsided by this obtrusive mass. In just over a week, several pairs of students have collided, resulting in countless dropped trays, three shirts ruined by chocolate milk, one pants-crotch discolored by lemonade, one hospitalization, and waves of sarcastic clapping from their peers.

Tammy Schroeder ‘18 said, “That….thing is terrifying. I haven’t had anything to drink in two days.” He added, his voice trembling, “It was so bad that one day I just collapsed in an upstairs classroom, curled into a ball, and cried incredibly concentrated tears until the midday lunch rush was over.”

“Grinnell would have this kind of drinking problem,” said Doug Seccia ’17 of Iowa State. “Losers!”

Collision victims organized a student group decrying the Dining Hall an unsafe space for people who need to drink liquid to stay alive. As usual, ReyKK seemed genuinely confused by their basic human needs, again arousing suspicion that he drinks animal blood.

The administration has been quick to respond to the chaos. A recent statement co-re leased by the Dining Hall staff and SHACS points to a proposed fix. Starting this coming Monday, Grinnell dining will be adding two experienced airport ground controllers—John Stick-Waver and Lenny Baton—to the payroll. Their job will be to stand in uniform on either end of the new drink station and direct students in and out using extremely ambiguous baton waves. A two-lane road strip will be built, and ReyKK also committed to erecting a Traffic Control Tower in the back of Dining Hall where the drink station used to be. Students will be required to pick up a walkie-talkie (they’ll be next to the silverware) to communicate with HQ.

Dining supervisor Burt Dehaul said, “Once again, Grinnell is a pioneer among the nation’s top liberal arts colleges. No other school is preparing students for a career as an airplane.”