Hundreds of students, faculty, staff, and community members eagerly gathered to participate in the democratic caucuses, but ended the night by leaving both the Democratic Party and the United States of America.
The night started slowly with a voter registration process which took five hours. After registration finished, several caucus attendees spoke in favor of their candidates. Madeline Terry ’19, was one of the speakers.
Professor Jennifer Stiege, chemistry, said, “Her speech was incredibly eloquent. As she talked about all of the policies her candidate would enact, it was evident she really understood the problems our country faces and the way to solve them. Although she only spoke for two minutes, her charisma, competence, and moral conviction were evident.”
Said Ron Arnolds ‘17, “After she spoke, I realized that we were going about this whole caucus thing the wrong way. Who better to represent young people than a young person? And we need to fight more than just sexism in the white house; we need to fight ageism too! It’s high time for a teenage female president, something the news media has just been ignoring.”
Arnolds and several other student leaders were able to rally nearly the entire caucus around Terry. Eyewitnesses say the candidate was at first resistant to the idea of abandoning her candidate, but quickly conceded to the will of the people.
The final vote counts were 678 for Terry, who garnered all the delegates, 3 people each for Bernie Sanders and Hilary Clinton who refused to join another group. One attendee remained undecided, purportedly as an existential statement.
At this point, caucus organizers brought up the constitutional age requirement for presidency. In response, an audience member motioned for the replacement of the American government with self-gov. The measure passed after a vote count of the entire room. Caucus organizers then exasperatedly tried to point out that one does not simply implement self-gov for the nation, at which point Terry, some say drunk on excitement and power, announced a secession from the ‘corrupt neoliberal assholes’ in Washington. The applause was deafening.
“It was a very shocking turn of events for someone as committed to the Democratic Party as me.” said caucus organizer Wendell Yang ‘16, “But the voice of the people was clear, especially when my Poli Sci professor threatened to take away my extra credit for attending the caucus if I did not comply. Taking the moral high ground, I listened to the people.”
There is still much to determine about Grinnell College’s new status. Said Terry, “We still have to work out kinks in issues like electricity, water, financial aid, and taxation on pizza ranch deliveries. We also have to hammer out the legality in international courts of a declaration of independence written on graph paper in blue pen with 100 stapled sheets with signatures and Grinnell usernames, which could be a slow process.”
“Still, I am very confident about the direction our nation is moving in. In my first week in office, I plan to legalize marijuana, establish gender equality in paychecks, and reinstate G-licious. Self-gov is a very strong foundation for politics and governance. After all, the great recession would never had happened if we had been able to tell everyone: don’t be a jerk.”