MCNALLY’S - The staff of Grinnell’s most luxurious grocery store were not particularly surprised on Black Friday to attract a great number of crows with their excellent discounts.
The sales attracted patrons from all across Poweshiek County. “Sure, I can get food for cheap at WalMart or HyVee,” squawked George Harold Consiglio-Johnson as he browsed the produce. “But I like to know that what I’m regurgitating into the mouths of my kids is organic and sustainably grown. It just tastes better when you know that it’s good for the planet.”
However, individuals from much farther away also felt inclined to visit. “I’m not gonna lie, the Greater Des Moines Metropolitan Area has some of the best carrion in the state,” admitted Betsy Miranda Benson- Underwood, who resides in a dead oak tree beside I-80. “But the cuts of free-range meat I can get here are so good I’ve been raving about them to everybody I see!”
The employees of McNally’s were overall unperturbed by the visitors. “A doorbuster is a doorbuster, and these clever fellows know a deal when they see one,” explained manager Tina Linden. “And they don’t know it, but they’re actually providing us with free guano, which we can sell as fertilizer!”
Cashier Jack Thayer agreed that these customers were easy to deal with. “Since they can, like, fly, they aren’t trampling each other like people do.” He paused to brush a couple of jet-black feathers from his shoulder. “There were a couple of accidents, though. Especially at the front windows. We had them washed recently, which was clearly a mistake. Shit. No pun intended. That was distasteful. Damn. Sorry.”
However, the response from other members of the Grinnell community, both residents and students, was not as favorable. “It’s freaking spooky,” complained Taylor Hsieh ’18. “I’ll be walking back to my dorm from Noyce and then all of a sudden like thirty or forty of them will just erupt from a tree and start loudly yelling about the bargains they scored to each other.”
He paused for breath, then continued, “They’re all like, ‘I GOT ORGANIC BANANAS FOR 25 CENTS A POUND or DID YOU SEE THAT THEY HAD TWO-DAY-OLD BUT NOT TOO-STALE CREAM PUFFS IN THE BACK ROOM?’ and I’m all like, ‘Dude, it’s after midnight, just go to bed already.’ I mean, it’s just shopping, right?”
Gerald Richards ’16 expressed concerns regarding the long-term implications of the avian visitors for the City. “This is always how it starts. The new people, whoever they are, come in all innocently, and then before you know it, they’re taking over our jobs and our schools and our parking spaces, and there’s nowhere left for any of us to go. What we need to do is put up a giant wall around Grinnell. Yeah. That’ll stop them.”
But the crows themselves are holding steadfast to their right to shop as they see fit. “We are bringing in revenue that we all know you desperately need,” said Jakob Isaiah Cook-Hemingway, placing a carton of soy milk in his shopping cart. “And anyway, what’s so scary about us? Do you think we’re a omen of death or something?” He flicked bits of old meat of off his talons.
Those with concerns about the presence of the crows needn’t worry much longer, however. Most are planning to stay in the campus trees at the latest until Cyber Monday, to take advantage of GrinnellCollegeGuest WiFi, and then go on their merry way.