SEBRING-LEWIS - Students and faculty gathered together late last Saturday to celebrate one of Grinnell College’s most anticipated, scandalous, and sexiest nights of the year. Loud music, minimal clothing, and flying dolla billz can only mean one thing: Orchestra Concert.

As soon as the lights dimmed, shit. went. down. Dvorak’s New World Symphony consisted of an hour and forty-five minutes of orgasmic hip gyrating music. The show opened with a crowd favorite by the one and only Staccato Your Dick in Me with her classic rendition of “Talk Wind Ensemble To Me.” Most audience members began whooping and screaming in excitement and some even started fanning themselves off with their concert programs.

Next up was Harmony and her fast tempoed presentation of the hit song “All About That Bass.” The crowd was warned that there “would not be dry reed in the house” by the time Harmony’s act was over, and she did not disappoint. Those professors adventurous enough to show their faces at the Orchestra Concert were visibly embarrassed when Harmony ripped off her black slacks and sensible shoes and swung them around her head while strutting to the beat.

We went to speak with senior citizen Hank Silver to hear his take on the night’s events. Silver gave no comment at the time because he went into shock immediately following the piano-top burlesque portion of the show. After he came to, Silver was heard grumbling “I can hear Dvorak rolling over in his grave,” as he stormed out of the theater.

The show was put on by the ORCH Students of the Strings and the event was a fundraiser for the Concert Planning Center of Iowa. In the risqué tradition of the Orchestra Concert and in accordance with the fundraising efforts, at points of maximum sexyness, students and faculty rushed the stage to throw and stuff dollar bills into the F holes of the cellos and the G strings of the violins.

Halfway through the concert, conductor Overture(n) My Butt And Spank Me strutted on stage with bottle of champagne in hand to invite all of the “Orchestra Virgins” on stage. All of the first time Orchestra Concert goers awkwardly and shyly stumbled up onto the stage at which point they were instructed to seductively rosin a bow to the beat of the fourth movement of the New World Symphony. Some virgins embraced the provocative nature of the show and flaunted their stuff to the beat of the cymbals.

The show closed with an act featuring music from the early 2000s Disney Channel original movie, “High School Orchestra.” Students portrayed Treble Bolton and Grandioso Montez as they performed a medley including hit songs “The Start of Something Neoclassical” and “Baroque-ing Free.” It was later calculated that $300 of the $500 made throughout the entire event was made during this number.

Overall, the event was greatly received by all, and students are strongly encouraged to break out their chin rests and business casual wear to audition for next semester’s Orchestra Concert.