SGA Offices – Earlier this week, facilities management staff, while doing a routine carpet cleaning and asbestos removal of the Student Government Association offices, accidently dislodged a corner of the floor and discovered 350 gold bars hidden beneath SGA.

Upholding a spirit of self-gov stronger than can be found at any Harris party, FM staff left the gold bars as they were and promptly called SGA cabinet members, who convened a midnight meeting.

Said Chair of Residence Affairs Kimmy Orwell, “We were all, of course, shocked, to find these gold bars hidden beneath the floorboard. We were also uneasy, as we assumed some previous administration had taken excess funds in order to buy the gold, which is not at all what SGA should ever be about.”

“Luckily, we found a note tied to one of the bars that read, ‘We are bestowing this money on you, lucky finder of this note, for no other reason than that life is inherently absurd and meaning is arbitrary. May it bring you either utility or property! –students in Professor Arnold’s Bank Robbing and Philosophy Tutorial’.” Orwell continued.

Some SGA members were reportedly overwhelmed by the amount of gold found.

“I know that I just completely panicked. I went over to the area above the Grill and started chucking gold bars down at people below. I think I was shouting, ‘No more student debt!’ or maybe it was ‘cash for gold’…I can’t really remember,” said cabinet member Kyle Teppel ‘17.

“The first thing my mind jumped to was building a giant statue of golden dick. I realized that main kitchen’s oven was not hot enough to melt the bars, though, so I just started stacking them. This is just a mock-up to get the concept across, but I think the actual statue would really add something to the campus,” said cabinet member Tracy Young ‘16 gesturing to a semi-cylindrical pile of gold bars.

However, by morning responses were more measured.

“For now we are just leaving the gold in the info desk closet and holding discussions about what to do with the 200 bars remaining after the events of last night. But I am very hopeful that we will be able to put the gold to a useful cause.” Young said.

Meanwhile, rogue teams of students with shovels continue to roam campus and show no signs of stopping.