HARRIS CENTER, NOVEMBER 3 - Secretary of State and Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton visited Grinnell College to discuss her campaign platform, which largely builds upon the one proposed by Bernie Sanders during his September visit to Grinnell.
“I’ll admit the old coot is headed in the right direction by proposing to instill Self-Governance as a primary value of our nation,” she said in her opening remarks. “But as Secretary of State, I believe that it is possible, nay, imperative, nay, our duty, to deliver Self-Gov to the world!”
Clinton then proceeded to outline her plan to spread Self-Gov across the globe. She intends to deploy SelfGovCorps (SGC) missionaries to “primitively-governed” societies. The SGC’s assignments will include translating the nine tenets of Self-Gov into various world languages, re-educating children, and systematically dismantling local forms of law enforcement by sowing seeds of distrust within communities.
“It’s heartbreaking,” Clinton bemoaned in an emotionally compelling anecdote that left the audience with aching souls. “These people go about their daily lives thinking they’re happy, but they don’t realize how truly miserable they are without Self-Gov. Just after we married, Bill and I hosted a young woman from Sweden, a nation that relies upon law enforcement agencies to uphold regulations. When she first arrived, it was clear that she didn’t trust anybody to keep a handle on their own shit. She actually called 9-1-1 on a gentleman who attempted to rob our house instead of gently reminding him that, ‘Self-Gov is Love,’ in a non-patronizing tone.”
A single tear trickled down her cheek. “My only consolation is that we, as the world’s greatest nation, have the capacity to create change so the next generation doesn’t have to grow up under the same oppressive conditions that Hildegard did.”
When questioned as to whether the policy could actually be effective on a global scale, Clinton retorted, “Have you heard anything about a war between Australia and New Zealand since I took office as Secretary of State? No? How functional would you say those governments are? Exactly. And we’re just getting started.”
The student response to Clinton’s proposed policy has been overwhelmingly positive. Attendance was at an unprecedented level; indeed, reputable news sources such as New York Times estimate that 97% of Grinnell College students support Hillary Clinton. Some found Clinton’s laidback, easygoing manner the most appealing aspect of the presentation. “She was willing to take a selfie with me!” gushed Taylor Markowitz ’18. “That’s pretty cool for a presidential candidate!”
Others were inspired by her political agenda. “I managed to get a photo with her! I’m totally fangirling in it and she’s looking at me like, ‘Whoa dude, calm down!’” Anna Nguyen ’17 exhorted.
However, not everyone who attended the event was impressed by Clinton’s performance. “I’ve never gotten so many likes on a profile picture before!” Ed Schlesinger ‘16 gloated.
However, despite the occasional negative remark, Clinton appears to have effectively won over the student body. Her most vocal support group, Grinnellians for Bernie Sanders for Hillary Clinton (slogan: Feel the Bern from on top of the Hill!), has teamed with formal rival group Grinnellians for Martin O’Malley for Hillary Clinton (slogan: Why is O’Malley still running? For Hillary!) to form a powerful promotion campaign. Spokesperson Jared Dunham ’16 stated, “By the time we’re done, there will be so many H’s around this campus people will think the College is called ‘Hinnell!’”, and proceeded to laugh loudly for several moments.