Grinnell College has unveiled a series of plans to target racial disparity in arrests and drug violations.

“All across the nation, we see that African-Americans are incarcerated at nearly 6 times the rate of their Caucasian counterparts,” President Kington. “Even at Grinnell College, African-Americans are arrested for drug offenses and charged three times more than whites, despite being a much smaller component of the student body.

“As an institution that advocates for social justice, we cannot just stand back and hypocritically do nothing whilst these injustices go on. For this reason, we, along with the Grinnell Police Department, have come up with a comprehensive list of plans that will increase the incarceration rate of whites and end this blatant disparity at last, so that whites will finally be arrested at the same rate that blacks are arrested.”

The plan has been met with mixed reviews, with some praising the College’s proactive approach to solving the disparity. Others called this “completely and utterly absurd” and that, “For fuck’s sake, this misses the whole point of what the underlying problem is.”

One of the more controversial measures proposed was charging people for setting off fire alarms.

“Whites and blacks smoke at comparable rates, so if we arrest all of the campus pot-heads, then we will help fight some of the disparity on campus,” Kington said, elaborating on the plan. “This measure will help target those students who engage in marijuana. We already charge people for covering up their smoke detectors. Thus, we will punish people if the fire alarm goes off for not covering their smoke detector, which will encourage people to cover up their smoke detector more and we can then charge them for that.” When a student pointed out that this would just mean more covered up smoke detectors and thus pose an even greater fire hazard for students, Kington quickly dismissed those claims as “exaggerated” and defended his position.

“Even if that we true, we prioritize arresting minor drug offenders rather than ensuring proper fire and safety requirements and guaranteeing the well-being of our students,” he asserted.

Other plans proposed by Kington include illegalizing the pumpkin spice latte, fining people for being basic bitches, and arresting people if they forget to check their white privilege.