BURLING - In light of the onslaught of prospies this past weekend, it’s no wonder one of them went mysteriously missing Sunday night. The second-year charged with hosting said prospie, George Dubloon, was understandably perplexed. “I can’t imagine where he could have gone,” Dubloon tells the B&S. “Students have been doing everything they can to make the prospies feel welcome. I didn’t know what could have driven him away.”
The mystery was solved Monday Morning, when James Campbell, the missing high school senior, emerged from Burling. Campbell had just accomplished something no Grinnell student has yet achieved: he stayed the night at Burling Library. The B&S was able to get an exclusive interview with Campbell, who, unlike the Grinnell Students who so often return from Burling confused and exhausted, seemed refreshed by his night in the stacks. When asked how he had managed such a feat, Campbell explained he’s been training for it most of his life.
“I’m not new to sleeping in libraries,” Campbell confessed. “I’ve been in this game a long time.” Campbell went on to describe his early attempts. “There was this one time I tried to stay in the library after a class had gone there- rookie mistake. Even worse was the time I forgot to sync my watch with the janitor’s and ended up tipping a whole shelf over trying not to get caught. To be honest, I’m surprised they didn’t expel me.” While Campbell got caught these first few times, he developed a system in middle school that proved impervious to folly and resulted in his first successful campouts.
Regarding the system’s application to Burling and its predecessors, we can only assume things went well; when asked to share even some obscure detail of these sleepovers, Campbell simply shook his head. “All I can tell you is that there are at least three flashlights and a pair of driving goggles involved. Beyond that, no way.” This attitude was naturally frustrating to students, who, Dubloon among them, amassed around the bookstore to ambush Campbell after he had purchased the customary college visit t-shirt.
“All we need to know is how you did it,” Dubloon tried to convince him. Unfortunately, Campbell did not react kindly to these attempts at persuasion. Although no one knows for sure what happened, students involved recall waking up in front of the bookstore with Campus Security officers and looming over them. Though they were all a little dazed, no one was hurt. Campbell left no clue as to his involvement in what students can only assume was mass hypnotism. An investigation is pending.
We can only suspect he made off with the t-shirt to go sleep in some other college library. He was kind of an arrogant jerk to the B&S staff. “There’s sacrifice.” Here, he paused, apparently drawn back to the trials of his past. Before too long, though, this introspection became a smile. “There’s definitely sacrifice. And, if you’re good enough, there’s victory.” So it would seem.
As for Campbell’s future plans, they demand his continued training in whatever unfathomable skills qualify someone to sleep in a library. His current goal is the Library of Congress. After that, the possibilities are endless. Perhaps he’ll traverse the globe in search of riskier endeavors. The chained libraries of Great Britain, swarming with security guards and that annoying old English you never want to read for class, and the underwater libraries off the coast of Genovia, rife with pressurized elevators and ‘Sharknado’ references, come to mind. As for Grinnellians, they seem over it. Campbell is unlikely to return next fall.