OBSERVATORY - The Grinnell College administration created an elaborate, multi-million dollar hoax in order to get students to visit the observatory this past Sunday.
“We opened up the observatory in 1984, but then started really ballin’ out in ’85, so everybody, including the administration, forgot about it for twenty years.” said President Reynerd Kang-thang. “In 2004 we found it steeped in cobwebs and used condoms. An especially articulate and prophetic English major had written, ‘You lost the game!’ on the telescope’s big lens. We were mortified!”
For several years, the administration desperately tried to make the observatory popular, reinventing it with slogans such as, “We’re not that far from the Bear!” (’04); “Smoke dank dope by our dank telescope!” (’05); and “We were a top-five best sex spot on campus this year!”(‘06).
All the while, Grinnell covertly dished out over a billion dollars in endowment resources, plunging the college deep into debt, and contacting alumni across the world in order to come up with ideas on how to trick Grinnell students into visiting the observatory.
Manny Bucks, an alumni working as a statistician for NASA, stated, “We did hundreds of student polls in Grinnellcaliber schools, and we consistently identified two factors that would be sure to attract everyone’s attention: big and red.”
Grinnell and NASA then proceeded to build “Clifford”, the world’s first giant, red, moonlike circle tangentially attached to a giant black circle so as to simulate a red moon. First, the black one “eclipsed” the moon by passing over it. The red circle followed.
The night of September 17th, night of the ruse, a student Eugene Notman ’16 said, “Oh my god, it was so stunning, it made me scream. I think it changed my life.”
The ruse was deemed to be a huge success by all parties involved. Manny Bucks, though pointed out that “It was President Reynerd Kang-thang ’s ingenuous insight that actually motivated these youths to pilgrimage to the observatory. We thought it’d be the beautiful, state-of-the-art, telescope. In fact, it was the free cookies we provided.”
That night, President Rey-nerd Kang-thang could be found on the Bear’s roof, rubbing his hands together as students flocked to the observatory. “Wow,” he said, looking spaceward and tearing up, “I lost the game.”