CLEVELAND BEACH - Grinnell College prepared many family appropriate activities for Family Weekend, including a historical tour, a bagel brunch, and various concerts. Parents were suitably unimpressed. Neither rural Iowa nor the campus climate met the parents’ expectations.

“Where is the vodka?!” said an exasperatedly sober Betty Baxter. “I haven’t seen a single red solo cup since I arrived here.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, academics are important, but so are body shots,” huffed Billy Babbins. “I did sit-ups for a year for this body, and not a single person drank out of my navel this weekend.”

“In my day, pre-gaming began before the last party had even ended. That way, we successfully avoided being hungover,” stated Ethel Smith. “What’s that new hip hop song? ’Sit down (drank), stand up (drank), pass out (drank), drank some more (drank), drank a lot more than that (drank).’ That’s the anthem we lived by.”

Some parents were so unimpressed, they requested funding from SGA and were able to form their own parent-group, going by the moniker OldSkool.

Due to a misallocation of funds from SGA and receipt confusion, the entirety of the budget was funneled into the parents’ alcohol funds.

According to a member of the ACE committee, who wished to remain unnamed out of embarrassment, this went towards, “fifteen kegs, along with three hundred bottles of wine, two hundred handles of vodka, and a tequila fountain. Drinking apparatuses purchased included twenty beer bongs, two hundred shot glasses, and an unholy number of red solo cups.”

Due to the sheer number of items purchased, the train was forced to carry the supplies to Grinnell College. Many students were able to observe the enormous cargo haul as it was carried into Harris.

“Holy shit,” said third year Eve Hermon. “I’ve never seen this much alcohol in my life.”

The parents’ night began before it was technically even night.

As one parent said, “I began drinking at 3:30 in the afternoon. I don’t recall anything after 4:00.”

However, most students on campus remember Saturday night vividly.

“I’ve never seen so much destruction caused by people in one place,” said an aghast fourth year. “And I think my mom was grinding on my friend’s dad!”

“I saw my dad bent over a bench vomiting at 7:30 on Saturday night”, Ron Platik said. “When I tried to help him, he pushed me away and said, ‘party all night, party all day, party never stops when you party my way.’”

This student’s father then reportedly proceeded to streak on East Street and wasn’t found until the next morning, inside a bush at 1018.

Many students also lost their scholarships, because the college’s endowment was instead used towards cleaning up the damage.

“Because my mom shattered all of Noyce’s windows, I can no longer go to college here. Thanks mom,” despaired one particularly unfortunate first-year.

While the damage was extreme, and many students saw a side to their parents they wished they’d never seen, there was one bright spot in the fiasco: the Dining Hall’s supplies were severely depleted by partying parents who stole entire food trays and even one dessert cart, and so the college was forced to order Chinese takeout for the student body.