SOMEWHERE UNDER A THICK PILE OF BLANKETS - As an adult human, I have experienced being sick before. I’ve had the requisite strep throat, ear infections, and colds. However, recently I experienced my first bout of what I can only assume was some distant relative of swine flu. Most of my other classmates were also ill, however, they had been afflicted with the stomach flu or common cold. The Fever Disease that I had was different.

I fell ill on a Thursday, although I functioned normally until Thursday night. Once the fever struck, I was officially out of commission for the next six days. This was my first experience with being not a person anymore. I can only recall a few elements from this six day plague, and not because I was under the influence of controlled substances (unless you count hardcore antibiotics!). I do recall making some fairly inhuman noises whenever my headache would clobber me in the head again. “Can I get you anything?” my roommate asked several times. “Unhhhhhh,” I’d growl, Satan’s fever preventing me from forming words. My bed resembled a quarantined room at the CDC headquarters; you couldn’t see my head for all the blankets that were keeping my body warm, as it couldn’t handle its own damn climate control.

After experiencing life as a human furnace, I emerged victorious. However, when I entered real life again, I came to a horrible realization: the entire class of 2019 had all also caught some form of the plague. I could tell which students were first years by the amount of sneezing and tissues they produced. Every time I walked into my tutorial, another student had fallen in. “Another one bites the dust,” my professor would sigh mournfully. Those who had not yet been infected lived in constant fear. As well they should’ve: no one was safe. To this day, the plague continues to strike down unsuspecting first years. Take your vitamin C pills, Class of 2019. I’ve had first-hand experience with this travesty, and I would not wish it upon my worst enemy.