SOUTH LOGGIA - Due to a recent change in leadership of the Grinnell College drug market, the price of one gram of marijuana on campus has risen from $20 to $840, dealers report. Marijuana, a substance used to treat the common student ailment of overcommitment, is the drug of choice for most Grinnellians, used by an estimated 42% of the student body.

According to an anonymous source, the price hike can be attributed to the matriculation of one Alice Stone to the class of 2019. Stone, who hails from Boulder, Colorado. controls all the inflow of ganja into Grinnell College, having inherited the lucrative marijuana market from her graduating cousin, Lucas Stone ’15.

The younger Stone defends the price change as beneficial in the long run. “Developers in the industry need the funding to help improve the product. We’re working toward a more ergonomic cannabis, which requires a lot of research.”

Stone did not specify precisely where the extra profit would go.

The general reaction among the student body has been one of outrage. “I used to be able to pay for pot with my D-Hall job,” complains Patrick Jackson ‘19. “But now I have to rent out my room to SHACS for overflow patients.”

Jessica Wong ’17 expressed similar frustration. “I can’t come up with enough green to pay for my green!” she lamented with uncharacteristic lucidity. “So how the fuck am I supposed to come up with ideas for Craft of Fiction now?”

Dealers on campus are struggling to overcome a major loss of clientele. Some have resorted to extreme measures to keep up business. “I’m not going to lie, sometimes I hype it up a bit to make it sell better,” said one dealer who wished to remain anonymous. “Last weekend I laced my product with glitter and called it ‘Fairy Dust.’ That one sold really well for Beyoncé Harris.”

Many administrators are concerned that the unavailability of marijuana will have an additional effect on the social climate on campus, as the drug is also (though less commonly) used to treat social anxiety.

“Jazz cilantro is essential to the maintenance of our community,” exhorted Dean of Student Life Diana Mendez as she strolled through South Loggia, surreptitiously pressing a wad of cash into the hand of a student in a hoodie and receiving a small plastic-wrapped package in return, then sniffing it deeply. “If students can’t afford it, Grinnell just won’t be the same place! All I want is what’s best for the students.”

Culture on campus certainly has taken an unexpected toll as a result of the decline in marijuana use. Most cannabis paraphernalia has been rendered obsolete, and is being creatively repurposed. Some students have found that their former lifestyle can easily transition into the sciences. “I had no idea how useful my vaporizer could be for my Organic Chemistry lab!” exclaimed Eric Kowalski ’18. Others have taken a more artistic approach. “I’ve always wanted to make my own paint pigments,” Hannah Rosen ’16 explained. “As it turns out, beetle kief creates a beautiful, rich crimson.”

It is unclear for just how long Grinnellians will tolerate exorbitant prices for their beloved bud. “We have been oppressed, but it is temporary,” another dealer declared. “We will rise from the ashes like a phoenix. Yeah. Phoenixes are totally chill.”