TRAIN TRACKS - As the weeks after New Student Orientation pass by, students are settling down into their coursework and activities. A glaring exception is the noticeably stressed state of the school’s student advisors. After helping first years become acclimated to the culture of the campus through numerous community value sessions, floor meetings, and resource tours, the team of appointed second, third, and fourth years realized that one member of the Grinnell team had not been properly assimilated.

The Train, an institution at Grinnell College, seen and heard running through campus daily, remained blissfully unaware of the nine tenets of self governance. At press time, student advisors were scrambling to slow down the multiton locomotive to ask its preferred gender pronouns and what it thought it meant to be an active bystander.

So far the Advisors have attempted yelling ‘Self-Gov is Love!’, throwing free condoms from SHACS, and trying to set up an appointment with a Career and Life Services Counselor as the Train passes through campus.

“We’ve tried putting up flyers on the train cars promoting fun events like Pub Quiz and Karaoke, but it speeds by too quickly!” said one disgruntled student advisor. Another added that, “the process would be a lot easier if The Train would stop by the JRC to get its P-Card issued. Then we would at least know that it would be able to eat and print out assignments.”

The whole scenario has noticeably lowered the morale of the tight-knit group of advisors. One dispirited student advisor, who would not give their name, reported that, “It’s honestly just getting annoying at this point. I bet RA’s at Coe don’t have to deal with this shit.”

Student Advisors are not the only individuals on campus who are dealing with the stress of assimilating the steel behemoth to Grinnell College. Other administrators on campus have also expressed concern. A representative from SHACS said that she was unsure whether or not The Train qualified for subsidized health care. Insurance issues aside, the Train has been unable to provide proper documentation on whether or not it has received a tuberculosis shot, putting the tightly compacted first year students at potential risk of infection.

A Dining Hall spokesperson was unsure that the kitchen staff would be able to produce enough fuel to power it through the semester. “What do we do if it asks whether or not the coal is vegan?” wondered a chef on staff at the Dining Hall, as he called the coal company inquiring about whether they manufacture in a facility that also produces gluten products.

When reached for comment on whether or not it was ready for the transition into the semester, The Train whistled three times and departed campus, leaving behind a trail of CLS flyers sliding off of its roof. Claiming