CLS - The Grinnell College administration has been rocked by accusations that Grinnell College has been paying actors to pose as Grinnell alumni.

In what people are now referring to as the AlumniGate scandal, the CLS stands accused of bringing low-profile Hollywood actors to campus to recite a pre-written poll-tested script, so as to convince students and parents that the ‘laissez-faire’ teaching style of Grinnell College works.

“It’s all simple economics” John Ehrlichman, an expert in college finance and public relations, said. “Grinnell College offers a teaching style that, to most of the Western world, seems like bullshit: paying over $50,000 a year for an education that emphasizes non-specialization and taking as many electives as possible so as to best be able to critically engage with the world and use a liberal-arts thinking style to further enhance progressive discourse and enact positive, compas sionate change in the communities that surround us. Half of the people out there don’t even know what this sentence actually means, much less terms like ‘engage critically with the world’.”

“Twenty-dollar words will only get you so far, though, and Grinnell realized that,” Ehrlichman continued. “In order to convince parents that their pedagogical methods work and to reassure students that they’llbe able to get a job after college, they needed proof – essentially, they needed successful alumni.”

A source inside the administration (who preferred to remain anonymous) said that Grinnell College was having difficulty finding successful alumni who had continued the ‘hippie-loving’ idealistic lifestyle after Grinnell College.

“Most alumni who were successful ultimately followed the same path: first years who came in knowing they wanted to do pre-med or law, going on to graduate school to do pre-med or law, and having high-profile careers as doctors and lawyers,” the source disclosed. “Do you know how tough it was to find a successful alum who didn’t know what they wanted to do straight out of college? Or one that ‘found themselves’ in college and chose art or philosophy over pre-med?”

As such, the source informs, Grinnell College decided to pay actors to impersonate alumni who fit in this profile.

“Yeah, it’s kind of obvious once I think about it” Sam Li ’16 remarks. “Every alum I met had the exact same speech: ‘My major in no way determined my future career path’, ‘Coming straight out of college I didn’t have a single clue what I wanted to do with my life’, ‘My career took me to really unexpected turns’, ‘I am now highly successful and making a ton of money doing my ideal job and following my dreams’… It was almost too good to be true.”

The Grinnell administration has vehemently denied these accusations, calling them ‘baseless’ and attributing them to part of a ‘smear campaign’ to discredit an education in the Liberal Arts.

Kendall Paige, a member of Grinnell’s public relations team, said, “We have many successful alumni of Grinnell college who are successful professors at Grinnell college, some who are administrators at Grinnell college, and there are even many alums in places like the city of Grinnell.”

Paige continued, “In addition, even if, hypothetically, there was an actor paid to impersonate alumni, that actor would likely be an actor who also happens to be a Grinnell alumni who graduated in 2005 with a major in Theater and a concentration in Global Development Studies. If such rumors about actors could possibly be true, of course.”