MAIN LOUNGE - The Grinnell Office of Admissions is proud to welcome a bright new organism into the Class of 2019.
This 11,018 year-old primitive human had been mummified in a peat bog on the plains of Western Siberia before it was discovered one year ago by Grinnell admissions staff.
Boris Glubar, the admissions representative sent on a recruiting tour through northern Europe, tripped over the perfectly preserved corpse on his trek to St. Petersburg.
Said Glubar, “In my defensive panic, I apologized profusely to the foggy, methanereeking green mass.”
As it turns out, “I’m sorry” linguistically translates into the ancient rite that the mummy’s now-extinct tribe used to awaken its dead.
Said Glubar, “Suddenly, the smelly peat glob cracked open like a ripe cocoon to reveal a human similar in appearance and mannerism to a young Steve Buscemi.”
The reanimated corpse was immediately flown to the ARH (Alumni Resuscitation Hall) and declared an anthropological anomaly by various members of Grinnell’s social sciences faculty. The biologically department at Grinnell was more interested in learning about the thawing of the West Siberian peat bog than researching the mummy itself.
The mummy’s PSAT (Prehistoric-SAT) score both impressed and frightened admissions staff into offering it a full-ride merit scholarship.
Admissions staff member Yasmine Bafsren said, “The PSAT, while impressive, was only one factor. After all, just as with any standardized test, one may question whether a basic knowledge of mammoth hunting, cave painting interpretation, fire building skills, and basic Neanderthal vocabulary are really evidence that a student is prepared to study at Grinnell.”
“Diversity was also a strong reason for our decision. In addition genetic, tests reveal that many of the student’s descendants are Grinnell alums, which we treated as a reverse legacy effect,” continued Bafsren.
According the mummy, who has taken the name Jimmy Smith, “I was truly impressed with the lack of sleep these students get. I thought it would be a nice change in my lifestyle after sleeping for over ten millennia.”
Professors are delighted to have this walking evidence of evolution as a pupil.
Professor Diane Forrest, Environment Studies, said “This ancient being provides excellent insight into the true impact we modern humans have made on this Earth.”
“Thousands of seasons of deep reflection have enabled this newly awakened soul to think beyond the parameters of the human mind. This brings one to question; are we truly the most competent beings to roam this Earth? Perhaps we should consider this first year a new God,” said a Philosophy 101 student during class discussion.
Tally Pel ’19 said, “I’m honestly still confused that it can speak perfect English. Why is nobody else wondering about this?”