CENTRAL PARK, 3:15 p.m. SEPTEMBER 3- During his stop in Grinnell, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders declared Thursday that he was adding Grinnell College’s “Self-Gov” policy to his platform.
Said Sanders, “My first day in office, I will call a national state of “Self-Gov” to kick off my grassroots people’s revolution.”
The announcement bewildered members of both the Democratic and Republican parties; however a majority of High Street residents speedily endorsed it.
Grinnell President Reynerd Kengten describes self-governance as “a philosophy that motivates students to keep their behavior in check for the good of their community rather than just to avoid institutionalized punishment.”
Said Sanders, “I have been so focused on tax reform and regulatory policies as a way to force businesses and the extremely wealthy to act humanely, when all this time the answer was really just self-gov.”
Sanders was introduced to self-gov when, as reported by a local witness, “Students clamored to see [Sanders], spilling out into streets and cornfields. After a fight between two members of audience was stopped by students, he demanded to know their secret to maintaining such a strong moral compass.”
“Well…self-gov is love, I guess” a meek first-year student, who wishes to remain unnamed, replied. Sanders immediately promised to champion this catchphrase, to which he received a standing ovation of deafening applause. The witness says he was then, “hoisted up by the mob and paraded, crowd-surfing style, out of the building and down Center Street.”
73 year old Sanders was reportedly handed a High Life and a joint. He inhaled deeply from it, pumping his fist and shouting, “Take that Bill!” while giggling youthfully. Even several administrators at the John Crystal Center left their posts and joined in the revelry.
At a press conference early Friday, Sanders attested to the policy’s ambitious claim— that self-gov “is love”.
He stated, “I’d like to remind the country that divorcing my first wife, not marrying the mother of my son and marrying another woman taught me a valuable lesson: the highest expression of love, true love, is actually making the choice not to steal a bike or drunkenly piss in someone’s sink. Who knows where I’d be today if I’d had such wisdom.”
Sanders continued, saying “Grinnell’s reputation for giving generous financial aid packages is proof that lowering the cost of college education around the country works out great—just look at these kids, they’re doing something right.”
Fellow democratic candidate Hilary Clinton commented, “Senator Sanders was conspicuously hiding a Block Party T-shirt under his suit jacket during his press conference.”
Donald Trump mocked Sanders’ popularity among college voters, tweeting:
“Poor, senile Bernie seems to have confused socialism with socializing. Your college days are over, you pasty old man. Just die already.”
Fox News reporter Bill O’Reilly said, “self-gov inspired 1969 Grinnell alma mater John Garang to lead the Sudan People’s Liberation Army. He became Sudan’s first vice-president in 2005. Do we really want to introduce this clearly destabilizing concept to our proud nation?”
However, the concept appeals to other conservatives. During his visit last spring, Rand Paul praised self-gov as “sa lot like libertarianism. It’s a bipartisan win-win: government tries to stay out of your choices and people make selfless choices that benefit the community. It is a way to bend the nation’s socio-economic paradigm from the bottom up by reminding unemployed people to ‘stop fuckin’ around”.