Well,  it’s been a solid four years.
I mean, we always do this as a send-off; writing senior blurbs for you all is what we here at the B&S undertake to make sure that each and every one of you bastards has something to look forward to between the end of Hell week and walking across that stage in like, a week. This one feels special, not only ‘cause I’m writing my own send off here, but because I know  has a lot of people who’ve left us along the way. All names appear the way they appear on PWeb when you search the class of 2015, but that doesn’t cover the friends who’ve left or those who have taken an alternate path to graduation. You all get some warm fuzzies too:
[You] are the hero Gotham needed, just not the one it wanted or even asked for, god you ruined a few 16th birthday parties.
Love from us all at The B&S
Cedric Abdul-Hakeem waited in line for eggs-to-order for a total of 800 hours during their four-year stint, Mary Adams lost their keys in the couch that one time, and never got them back, Julie Aguilar was lost for eight hours in Noyce during the fall of 2012, Willa Akey has not had a memory of the 10th of October since 2010, Peter Aldrich still isn’t sure what the word “anachronistic” means, Alex Anderson thought Charles Benson Bear was a character from the Berenstein Bears, Doug Anderson will be climbing the water tower after graduation. They just needs to clear their head., Zach Angel has never gone to office-hours with a professor, Michael Annerino actually does not like Beyonce that much, Yan Aung was voted ‘Most Likely to Commit Mail Fraud’ by their peers, Opeyemi Awe thought college was good, but not $50,000 good, Lilianna Bagnoli forgets that laws exist off of Grinnell’s campus, Imad Bakhira accidentally told a first-year they were destined to be together last night, Sonia Barrad will probably wear their graduation gown as a Harry Potter robe next year during Halloween, Fabiola Barral absolutely rocked it at karaoke in 2 out of 35 appearances, Hellen Barroso does all the work for 77% of the credit, Joyce Bartlett thinks too many cooks never spoils the broth, Dylan Bartuch always eats exactly three carrots for breakfast, Nipun Basrur is kissing themselves they’re so pretty, Kimmie Bat Batrezchavez has never been to the Bear, Peter Bautz poisoned King Joffery Baratheon, Alison Bayly uses Prezi rather than Power Points, Joy Becker is a finalist on Dancing with the Stars, Walker Bell STILL thinks Chocolate Tofu Pie is delicious, Quinnita Bellows shakes it off, shakes it off, Jonathan Beltran-Alvarez cannot walk and chew gum at the same time, Hannah Bernard has never attended the first ten minutes of class, Jazmine Bjelland competed in three Toddlers and Tiaras episodes while at Grinnell, M’tep Blount is fluent in Russian, Chinese, Japanese and Klingon, Andrew Bostrom is incredibly ready for Hilary, Willie Marshall Botto has, after long deliberation, decided against graduating, no one knows the real Sinead Brady, everyone knows the real Zav Braun , the real Joan Brockenborough doesn’t even exist in this plane, Bonnie Brooks only wears neon, Jackie Brooks only feels emotions when they are ironic, Jen Brooks’s got this, all of Daria Brosius’s homework for the past two years has actually been written by their personal factory of typing monkeys, every day Joey Brown recites the entire dialogue of The Princess Bride, Shaquall Brown forgot who their first year roommate was, Irene Bruce has never set foot in Steiner, Jeremy Bulman has a house in Canada just in case, Hannah Burt doesn’t even go here, Coffee no longer has any effect on Briona Butler, Allie Byrne took pictures for Waltz but didn’t actually go, Andres Cambronero Sanchez has stockpiled 50 dining hall trays, Keaton Cameron-Burr has never been the same after that one lab, Athena Carlson knows graduation is only a social construct, Becca Carpenter finds graduation problematic, Fatima Cervantes has no regrets, Isaac Chadri is excited to work at the Iowa State Fair this summer, all Linnea Champ wants in life is a cat, all Kevin Charette wants in life is a private island and a yacht, Benjamin Charney once spent an entire semester eating only catering cookies and leftovers from the CRSSJ, Jong Il Chyun reads every Campus Memo, Beth Clarke knows the B&S is fucking awesome, Miriam Clayton grudgingly admits the S&B is ok too, Nick Cohen is already planning for reunion, Hannah Cohn is already planning for eternity, Cristal Coleman secretly loves dining hall food, all weather is sweater weather for Glenna Colerider-Krugh, Cody Combs only went to Convocation for the pizza, Daniel Connelly’s hips don’t lie, Sarah Corapi eats only root vegetables on moral grounds, Austin Cote will call you maybe, Ryan Courtney is planning on naming their firstborn Raynard, Block Party started on Monday for Connor Cunningham, Rosalie Curtin is one with the corn, Elliot Czarnecki has a freezer full of brownies from the Grille, Kristen Dabney has killed for study rooms in the JRC, Taylor Dabney is the fastest streaker on campus, Doug Dale remembers everyone’s last outfit at Fetish, Chantelle Dallas never procrastinates, they just use creative brainstorming methods, Anne Damtoft practices Self Gov at all times, Zeem Daraman first date was at Chuong’s, Collin Davis-Johnson’s life goal is to speak at Convocation, Marc DeCoste only went to High Street during Orientation Week, Rockne DeCoster is an enigma, Jade Denson is incredibly charismatic, Dani Desantes has an alluring voice, Barack Obama once asked for Clayton Desjardin’s autograph, Ben Doehr doesn’t always drink beer, but when they do they drink Dos Equis, Natalie Dokken has the best Spotify channels, Maisie Dolan still isn’t over the ending of How I Met Your Mother, James Dowell feels oddly prepared for finals, Devin Doyle is an expert horticulturist, Kenzie Doyle has an XKCD comic for all situations, No one can freestyle rap like Natalie Duncombe, Jennifer Dysart writes essays best after 3 a.m., Tolulope Edionwe can read palms, Farida El Habashy is incredibly serendipitous, Benyamin Elias is getting involved in local politics, Leila Elshamy has the best recipe for ramen with maple syrup, Lukas Eng has connections, Karena Escalante is actually 30, Will Ewing is going to steal the Declaration of Independence, Emma Falley has the highest score on tabforacause, Clark Fancher is terrified of accidently hitting Reply All, Elaine Fang is defying gravity, Sarah Farbman is on every email list, Kathryn Fenster actually stays in their room most of the time and lets their identical twin do most of the work, Roni Finkelstein’s LinkedIn profile is flawless, Allison Fischer’s favorite course was tutorial, Jessica Flannery secretly plays the piccolo, Amy Flores can only sleep anywhere that’s not actually meant to be slept on, Thomas Foley was ambidextrous as a young child, Nathalie Ford always meant to try out for Singers, Nathan Forman has occasional flashes of insight, Johanna Foster had amazing sex on top of Bucksbaum, Silvia Foster-Frau had disappointing sex on top of Bucksbaum, Caroline Froh had an awkward moment walking in on people having sex on top of Bucksbaum, Lindsay Fujimoto becomes bankrupt through an excess “Free and For Sale” purchases, Gus Fulgoni has won awards for streaking across the loggia, Jennifer Fulton managed to sit in the same spot in D-Hall for their entire time at Grinnell, Jessica Gallegos became the new undisputed champion of beer pong, Izak Gallini-Matyas pulled an all-nighter and proceeded to sleep through the day, thus not being able to turn in the assignment they had been working on, Devon Gamble successfully toppled the patriarchy, Hayes Gardner bought alcohol for 139 different first years, beating Grinnell record, Becky Gardner threw a chair and 3 beer cans during Tithead, Lee Gatchell forgot to check their privilege back in after checking it out, Shannon Gatewood did not sleep through a single 8AM class, Will Gaub went through 15 existentialist crises, Teo Geiger wrote a research paper sans Wikipedia, Olivia Gellerson made a total of 117 Kum&Go runs, Nathaniel George has decided to become full-time hippie, John Gernon noticed a sharp increase in “critical thinking” skills, Tawny Gilley learned how to ask for weed in 15 different languages, Beth Gillig became nocturnal, Tess Given can melt steel beams <3, Elsa Goldman got the best room draw number three years in a row, Emilio Gomez developed above-average relations with the town, Geo Gomez bridged the athlete-student body divide, Abby Goreham went to Harris without once complaining about the music, Will Gottlieb found Noyce’s Room of Requirement, Thomas Grabinski refused to say ‘hi’ back to Connie in all 4 years, Kendall Grannis still retained first-year enthusiasm in their fourth year, Chris Graves stole a pie out of D-Hall, Lexy Greenwell got blamed for stealing a pie out of D-Hall, Evan Griffith inexplicably went abroad during senior spring semester, Eleanor Griggs gained +5 intelligence, +2 dexterity, +2 strength, -2 hope, Roman Grigorii deleted over 3000 obsolete emails from inbox, Stephen Gruber-Miller mooched over 50 shots of Hawkeye and 12 spliffs from friends over a 2 year career period, Eddie Guen-Murray founded student musical group and made it big, Pierce Gustafson managed to get good DB picture after 7 attempts, Amul Gyawali got drunk, played League, and headbutted their computer when they lost the match, Mohammad Hai kept their medallion, Hayley Hajic became a dirty leftist hippie, Jordan Hale became a filthy capitalist pig, Sun Han became vegan, Gina Haro became a carnivore, Ryan Hautzinger learned how to play the ukulele, Luiz Hernandez pierced the Grinnell Bubble, MacKenzie Higgins got 99 problems but a liberal arts education ain’t one, Sam Hildebrandt watched 5 seasons of Game Of Thrones in 5 days, Emily Hilton engaged in daily siestas as a MAP, Dabney Hofammann watched more Spongebob than they would care to admit, Fast and Patrick Hooke 7 , Chenheli Hua got carded at La Cabaña, Brittany Hubler snuck a dog on campus, Alexis Hudson lived in a cubby-hole single in Norris, Ashlee Hulbert drunkenly rode a miniature pony as a study break, Alyse Hunt attended all study breaks and floor-building events organized by their SA’s, Nick Hunter saw a sharp rise in alcohol tolerance, Linnea Hurst learned that correlation does not imply causation, Gwenna Ihrie won at Relays, Iulia Iordache discovered new species of tree, Eleni Irrera had a lesbian experience, Vernon Jackson had a straight experience, Terrell James had negligible experience, Sarah Jenson got locked inside a bathroom stall, Brian Jesteadt had to unlock someone stuck in a bathroom stall, Henna Jobanputra panicked and called security because someone was stuck in a bathroom stall, Jillian Johnson saw three drunk people get yelled at by security for wasting securities time, Tess Johnson unlocked the mystery behind the infamous white and gold dress, Aaron Juarez unlocked the mystery behind the infamous black and blue dress, David Jutrsa criticized modern pop music as being lame and repetitive, Katy Kain worked in D-Hall, mail services, phonathon, TC, and security, Meredith Kalkbrenner ordered too many mozz sticks, Kimmie Kasperitis forgot to do their taxes, Joey Kathan wrote Victorian vampire fan fiction, Ezra Katz ceased calling Reynard Kignton “RayKay” before it was cool, Yuki Kawahara became an expert on awkward onenight stands, Thorsten Kern got into arguments with racist uncle, Kate Klesner felt happy, Forrest Knapp had run-ins with ITS, Emma Knatterud-Johnson completed an end-of-year course evaluation with deep and insightful comments, Aarti Kolluri got into deep, philosophical argument at 2 AM every single Wednesday, Collin Kramer left a mean comment on “Rate My Professor”, Never going to give Kayleigh Kresse up, Never going to let Erica Kwiatkowski down, Never going to run around, and desert Andrea Lakiotis, Aaron Lapkin participated in a one-person orgy, Nathan LeBlanc was the MONO patient zero of 2013, Chris Lee got frostbite, Connie Lee took it, they threw it on the ground, Sung Koo Lee was forced to choose between sleep and fun, Sangwoo Lee built a snowman, Sean Lee get severe senioritis spring semester second year, Diane Lenertz made the mistake of not living off-campus fourth year, Spencer Liberto became the new member of One Direction, Jason Liu - New Premium Hawkeye, Avengers: Age of Chengzhang Liu, Edison Liu got lost in Noyce but found themself, Life is like a box of Abby Lowe, The Dongye Lu Will Not Be Televised, Shirlene Luk founded Grinnell Fight Club, All those Harry Mahers walking around campus are actually just segmentation faults, Jordy Manker only lasted an hour the one time they played Zombies vs. Humans, Devon Manley room second year was haunted by the ghost of J.B. Grinnell, Edith March plans on reopening the Grinnell Pizza Hut after graduating, Aaron Mardis knows the secret entrances to the tunnels, Lea Marolt Sonnenschein wears high school Class of 2011 t-shirts when they are alone, Courtney Martin is passionate about changing Grinnell to Grinnelle, Talora Martin’s biggest flaw is that they work too hard and care too much, Tim McCall didn’t actually study abroad, they are just really good at using Photoshop, Eve McDaid still uses internet explorer, Lucy McGowan is all about sustainability, Austin McKenney is like a platypus with the head of a duck and the body of a duck , Aaron Mendelson never actually met any of their SA’s, Lingyao Meng is a master of 2.1 spacing, John Mertes jailbroke an iPhone then installed an android OS, you’re a wizard Emily Mesev!, Elliot Meyer holds the record for most apples stolen from the DHall, Leah Meyer mind controlled someone to steal the most apples out of the DHall as they possibly could but isn’t sure if it worked, Jordan Meyers knows it worked, Petar Miljkovic will never discover his destiny, which is to make the best Boston Clam Chowder ever, Eloise Miller could beat Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in a fight, Matt Miller is against violence, but is down to fight Coco the sign-lanugage speaking gorilla, Breanna Mills can blind taste-test the difference between name brand and generic cereals, Max Mindock will one day invent a process to make generic cereal taste exactly like name brand, Sam Mizuno is master of all four elements: stress, sleep depravation, hunger, and existential angst, Rick Montalvo has powers similar to that of the Czech forest monster the Leshy, Austin Morris can dance if they want to, Emma Morrissey can leave their friends behind, cause Liza Morse don’t dance and if they don’t dance they’re no friends of Alicia Mulholland, Daniel Munger has fantasies of dismantling Madison Square Garden brick-by-brick, Laura Nadolski is going to be the next epic poet in the tradition of Homer, Joyce, and Taylor Swift, Surekha Naidoo can shapeshift but only into a petulent housecat that can’t decide in or out, Natalia Nakaidze has all of the lyrics to “Zombie” by the Cranberries tattooed on their back, Varun Nayar plagiarizes their jokes from laffy taffy wrappers, Kirsten Nelson can, but won’t, eat a manatee, Chi Nguyen can’t, but will try, to eat a manatee, Christian Noyce is out ot destroy Chipotle once and for all, Scott Olson eats only raspberries for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, Linda Omana feeds of droplets of fairy dew and butterfly wings, Matta Orlet is a butterfly farmer, Cornelia Osborne came out of the ocean to tell you that you need to stop, Ana Ovtcharova knows that jet fuel can’t melt steel beams, Tracy Pa thinks that sparkling water is just too exciting for a weekend night, Santiago Paredes Martinez knows every word to Legally Blonde, Lena Parkhurst’s patronus is Bruiser, the dog from Legally Blonde, Sara Pasha has 99 problems a year on the wall, 99 problems a year, and takes one down passes it around, Alec Peck has 98 problems a year on the wall, Florian Perret will be an excellent elementary school crossing guard when they’re 80, August Peterson used DHall green beans as Lincoln logs and made a cabin for their cornbread crusted catfish to come home to, Christi Peterson can program a potato to do basic math, Steven Petritis got his tongue stuck to a lamp post every year they’ve attended this school, Danielle Phillips successfully defeated 4 fungal infections in themselves and others, Lochard Philozin is the real name of published controvertial author Dan Brown, who wrote The DaVinci Code, Jolyne Piet can throw a snowball so fast that it breaks the sound barrier, which will be useless postgrad, Samantha Pilicer’s playlists will form the religious texts for a future generation of aliens, Ellen Pinnette wears Gucci underwear, Alex Plemmons carved the Rosetta stone in a previous life, Laurie Polisky can fit 4 tornados in their mouth, but won’t use this power for evil, Hannah Quicksell doesn’t have the words “that’s a terrible idea” in their vocabulary, Andie Quinn finds a home in the fields of daisies, Katie Quinn would go to fields of daisies but is really scared of wasps, Meera Ramamoorthy is the one who can always be counted on to take the bug outside, Sara Ramey can hear an out-of-tune bagpipe from over 40 miles away, Ethan Ratliff-Crain wants to believe, Rebecca Rea-Holloway re-opened the X-files, Mollie Read doesn’t believe in aliens but is willing to look anyway, Richard Renteria will fire walk with you, Jackie Reynders has their own best interests at heart, right after Drake’s, Danny Reynolds is the reason Zayn left, Becca Richman bought every copy of ARTPOP sold in the US, Michael Riegsecker doesn’t believe in compasses, and only navigates via tree moss, Mia Ritter will encounter a dall dark and handsome stranger who is a complete knucklehead, Adrian Rodriguez prefers Taco John’s to Taco Bell, Enrique Romero has never actually opened a school-related email, Sam Rosen thinks that graduation is that thing where you mark your height on a door frame, Emmett Ruff is looking to invest in Violeta Ruiz Espigares’s newest business venture, a home manicure kit for cats to use by themselves, Charis Russell never actually read for class, Daniel Ryerson is a Walmart secret shopper, Ian Saderholm has a secret career as a first-year wrangler, Ian Sales is why the DHall only sometimes has bananas, Rebecca Salter rescues every worm after the rain, Jacob Salzman never figured out the difference between the CCL and the CLS, Ankita Sarawagi has a promising career ahead of them, as long as they avoid dairy, Julia Sauerhaft believes in the power of crystals after Katy Perry got into them, Elizabeth Sawka could use more amythest in their life, Jordan Schellinger has a deep, unshaken fascination with John Mayer, Nikki Scherrer was an alternate for a John Mayer music video back in high school, Katie Schlasner is actually a Beyonce back-up dancer, Meggy Schmitt choreographed the original “Bye, Bye, Bye” dance, Liesl Schnabel had a chance to marry Justin Timberlake and passed it up, Elena Seeley is going to be the celebrity that people brag about knowing later in life, Diana Seer does a really good accordion cover of “Welcome to the Jungle”, Tefiro Serunjogi can eat the entire dollar menu in ten minutes, Carl Sessions never understood the appeal of mozz sticks, Alex Sharfman will make you eggs the next morning, Liam Shaughnessy will make you dry toast the next morning, Sarah Sherrell will give you a dollar and tell you to get an Egg McMuffin even though they cost like $4, Maria Shevelkina can talk to cats, but the cats don’t listen so it’s useless, Carrie Sibbald can braid any hair, Kieth Siegel has dabbled in the field of dyed armpit hair, Joanna Silverman would prefer to dye their eyebrows instead, Louisa Silverman rigged a betting system around returning take out boxes, Emma Sinai-Yunker remembers the cheese and fruit plates, Patrick Slough thinks every day about the Israeli couscous salad outtake, Dana Sly thinks that the out takes system is in hell where it belongs, Audrey Smith doesn’t remember the outtakes system at all, Sarah Smorodin Sarber still believes in no limits, Youngbin Song remembers when Joe Biden was on campus, Emily Sortor isn’t sure that Grinnell wasn’t just an extended fever dream, Hailey Speck has been in every single lab in Noyce, Caleb Sponheim has used every single bathroom in Noyce, James St Germaine-Fuller has used every single stall in every single bathroom in Noyce, Alexa Stevens has never bought a roll of toilet paper, and just steals it instead, Devan Steward bought that tux for nothing, Rob Storrick knows every Britney Spears hit single by heart, Emily Stuchiner will, at some point in their life, be able to bring one organism back from the dead, but it will be the first thing they touch, and it’s bacteria, Morgan Sullivan is making peace with their gut flora at last, Kaelin Swift doesn’t believe in gut flora, Jordan Taitel’s gut flora are actually flowers, Yohei Takatsuka takes swabs of bacteria from every Dhall tray just to have, Jack Taylor who? , Jazmyn Taylor wrote the book on writing the book, which is why they asked them to write the book, Dan Teng once did 90 mph in front of a cop to impress a dog in the passenger seat, David Ternes fought the law and then had to go through the exhaustive process of expunging their record, Matthew Terry has bought and lost over 12 Grinnell water bottles, Julianne Thompson is fine on 6 hours of sleep, Nathaniel Tingley survives 6 hours of sleep, Julianne Toia thrives on 6 hours of sleep, Emily Tomac never sleeps, Daniel Torres hasn’t slept since 1492, Janice Trang can catch a fish, blindfolded, with their hands, on dry land, Patrick Triest is the fish that was caught, Michelle Tsai should come with a disclaimer, Salena Tucker is the new Sam Smith, Sam Turner has attempted to eat a lightbulb, Emily Twedell is ambidextrous, but with their feet, Isaiah Tyree can recite the Dewey Decimal System, Lorena Ulloa has the supernatural ability to locate the nearest snail, Emma Vale’s ideal superpower is the ability to grow hair at will, Rachel Van Court is able to transplant hair but not grow it organically, Parker Van Nostrand has no hair that isn’t transplanted, Ben Vaughn can’t shotgun a beer but can shotgun a pizza, Justin Vaverka can’t wait to see what 2016 holds in store for pop music, Veronica Shayne Vergara is what 2016 holds in store for pop music, Joshua Vernazza is where Madonna will plant her next horcrux, Zach Villa could be a five star chef if they’d stop eating so much fucking easy mac, Claudia Viquez Rojas could make some easy mac if they’d just stop cooking like a five star chef, Evangelos Vlachos needs to photosynthesize like a plant, Ross Voelker is an obligate anarobe, Metea Voyce has adaptations that allow them to thrive in a wide variety of ecological niches, Carly Wakshlag is the human equivalent of a tardigrade, Allie Walker has a smile more viral than a youtube video of kittens, Isaac Walker’s brain is essentially a youtube video of kittens, Adriana Walsh can’t stop and won’t stop, Aamir Walton’s background music is produced by Juicy J, Ben Warner has undergone hypnosis such that if Jacob Washington mentions the name Shanice Webster he has to do an hour of cross-fit training, Ben Weideman can stick a whole DHall pear in their mouth, but why would they do that, Claire Weidman is the voice of the Taco Bell dog, Sarah Weitekamp once had their doodles featured on a printed fabric from season 4 of Project Runway, Anthony Wenndt considers themself more of a Tyra than a Naomi, Yang West never could decide between Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston, and is paralyzed by indecision to this day, Cella Westray knows what you did last summer, Jeremy Wiles doesn’t know what you did last summer and doesn’t care to find out, Charlie Wilhelm can spot Waldo in 5 seconds max but can’t find their fucking class notes, Summer Wilke was not the 2015 person to eat a live goldfish, Joe Wlos knows who ate the live goldfish but would prefer not to say, Chris Woodington thinks that it’d be impossible to eat a live goldfish, Anqi Xu can see into the beyond, and reported back that it was hella boring, Luke Yeager always chooses Princess Peach, June Yolcuepa is a pop sensation on Mars, Jordan Yuan due to some horrible mistake, is now on the federal watchlist for people who buy unpasteurized dairy products without tarriffs from Canada, Tague Zachary is an illegal dairy smuggler, Stella Zhang can’t wait for prom, Yu Zhang believes in life after love, Sally Zhao doesn’t know who Cher is, Mary Zheng is Cher’s avatar on twitter, Eason Zheng is both Penn and Teller, Frank Zhu knows every word to Vitamin C’s graduation song, Chong Zuo will sing “Closing Time” at commencement and make everyone cry.