WASHINGTON, DCIn a recent press release, President Barack Obama announced that his last act as President of the United States will be to destroy “the internet and all of its anonymous users.” Despite entering his time as a “lame duck,” Obama adamantly asserts that he fully intends to eliminate anonymity. “Internet anonymity is a scourge on this great country,” Obama articulated. “I not only want the citizens of this country to imagine me looking over their shoulders while they browse the net, but I want to actually BE there, in person or not.”
Indeed, the Obama administration has begun making moves to tear down anonymity much to the chagrin of the public. Reports indicate that the cabinet has been working to delete the internet. “An executive order has been issued establishing a task force whose sole purpose is to “find the Internet and put it in the Recycling Bin.” When asked for a comment, Commander Doug Garters replied “our job is to destroy the internet itself if Obama fails to destroy anonymity.”
As expected, there has been a large backlash among Americans, including some Grinnell students. “I can’t believe this,” said Jason Isaacs ’17. “This is a direct assault on my freedom of speech, and an instance of DIRECT [redacted] OF MY VIEWS.” Many students are greatly angered at this apparent infringement of their rights. In an unprecedented move, students are collaborating in mass to express their anger.
Some students, however, remain critical. “Is it weird to anyone else that more people seem to be more mad about this than like, people using anonymity as a medium for [redacted] speech?” questioned Liyi Oh ’18. Before she could say anymore, she was drowned out by “DOWN WITH [redacted]” chants.
“My advisors have told me not to say this, but I can’t keep it in anymore. I am a warrior for social justice, and I am here to take all of your internet away from you. I firmly believe that each member of the American public is a special snowflake who deserves to be catered to by restricting the most important of all liberties, the freedom to express hate on the internet.
VP Joe Biden has distanced himself from the President, saying “I’m no SJW, man, I’m just against any medium that lies to you about being the 10,000th visitor to a site just to get my credit card information. The budget deficit is actually just from when I had to enter the treasury’s card info into a flashing box to view the video of a dog who gave birth to kittens.”
“DOWN WITH 4CHAN” interrupted the President.